Mitchell L Peters (darksunlight) wrote,
Mitchell L Peters
darksunlight

Things Skippy is not allowed to do at Ren Faire

I'm sure many people have heard of the many things Skippy is not allowed to do in the army. Well, myself and a bunch of volunteers have started a Skippy list for Ren faires. Have a read through, and feel free to add on, if you so desire.

1)Not allowed to try and see how many Royals we can fit in a port-a-john

2)Must remind female patrons of the color of their shirts when attempting to recruit them to play Dueling Buckets.

3)I cannot do anybodies role better then them, even if I can.

4)Fifty inflatable (adult rated) sheep are not considered an appropriate coronation gift for the King of Scotland.
4.5)Especially not if I have access to a helium tank.

5) I can no longer pass around pictures of womans ankles to pass off as period pornogrophy.

6) Writing "Hi. -God" on a piece of wood is NOT a sign from God.

7) I am not allowed to encourage the audience in changing the script of a stage show, no matter how funny it might be, even if the performers approve.

8) It doesn't matter of Jenny Breeden did it, leaf blowers are not allowed on faire site during hours.

9)The petting zoo is not to be referred to as the "Scottish Brothel"

10) Shall NOT polish armored boots to a mirror-like shine to see up ladies dresses.
10.5)Female Skippies will not do the same to see under scotsmans kilts. That's what your hand is for.

11)I may not distribute small bottles of Bacardi rum to cast members, vendors, or the serious playtrons I see week after week.
11.2) Distributing them with my own label taped to the bottle bearing a cartoon caricature of me, clearly identifying myself as the source, probably isn't a good idea, even if it's funny.
11.3)Never drop one right in front of a security guard.

12)Shall not incite the pre-opening crowd to storm the gates before the opening cannon fires.

13)Not allowed to fall into the Queen's procession and begin loudly calling "Privy parade!"

14)Shall NOT setup cast member pirates, for my own laughs, who have scripted paytron interaction sketches...by carrying a small treasure chest with a rubber buttocks inside...and opening and displaying it when they say they want my "booty".

15)Not allowed to insert new lines into "ball of ballimore". Even if it helps out the performers who "accidentally" left themselves off. Even if they thought it was funny too.
15.1)Not allowed to... but still gonna!

16)No longer allowed to show fellow cast members my son's blue ribbon. In reality, said child was an anatomically correct cabbage patch doll in a shirt and kilt, and blue ribbon.

17)No longer allowed to use Yon Kilt Lifting Stick on pretzel sellers.
17.1)No, not even the mirrored end.
17.2)NO, not even a "little."
17.3)Still allowed, however, to carry it 'round with the sign reading "Smile if thou art not wearing any undergarments."
17.4)....NO, not even if they -do- smile.

18)Shall not take liberties with other women's playtoys.

19)Shall not forget to wear skivvies if I'm gonna be lifting my skirts.

20)Shall not chase down the "mustard man".

21)Shall not pop pills at Queen's Tea.

22)Shall not force loki on the unwilling, unless they just REALLY need to get drunk.

23)I shall not make a sign with the words "Free GRAB" and a picture of some pants and shirts on it...and then grope the ladies who come over wanting free garb but just thought I was bad at spelling.
23.1)Also I shall not use the excuse that "it DOES say FREE GRAB!".

24)Skippy (or Skipette) shall not pinch the bum of attractive men in tights because "They were asking for it."

25)I shall not take the fact that the man wore the kilt in the first place as an open invitation for kilt checking.

26)Skippy shall not deflower the nobles in public.

27)Skippy may no longer approach the uniformed security and invite them to a reciprocal pat search.

28)Skippy is no longer allowed to commandeer a stage with his brothers for the purpose of picture-taking whilest the next act is hawking the crowd.

29)Not allowed to pull the wings off of Fairies.

30)No unsolicited "motorboating"!

31)Skippy may no longer offer to help warm up belly dancer's ching-chings on cool days, even if they obviously need it.

32)Skippy is no longer allowed to bring home unauthorized souvenirs from faire.

33)Skippy shall not shout insults back at the 'pelt a pirate', especially if it make him break character.

34)Not allowed to taunt the french... no matter how far away I can smell them

35)..not allowed to sing "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER with the Germans anymore.

36)The rabbits names are not "Stew, Lunch, and Dinner."

37)The goat does not want some mead, no matter how much it looks like he does.

38)There is not "good eating" on anyones children.

39)I cannot walk around faire with a steering wheel in my pants.

40)Skippy is not allowed to make period-incorrect jokes about the results of a Google search on French Military Victories.

41)Skippy is no longer allowed to scream "GOD! SHAVE THE QUEEN!" during the parade, no matter how drunk Skippy may be.

42)Skippy is NOT allowed to excuse himself when talking to the mundanes by saying, 'Excuse me, but I have to see a wench about making a baby.'

43)Skippy is no longer allowed to march members of the Starfleet Away Team over to a group of lovely wenches and ask them to "Please fix this!"

44)Ask the newborns parants if they know who the mother is....

45)Talk with a hairlip, while in garb at the local M'Donalds before faire....

46)Tell the couple that asked if your were going to the Polish festival that you just drove in from Poland for it and then thank them for letting us visit your lovely country...

47)Have a nice mundane couple act like they are taking pictures of a couple of ettes....with an IPod...while I sneak back to the pub....

48)Sing the Gilligans Island Theme song and get others to join in when in hearing range of a pub show......

49)Take over at Matre De at Chef Wangs......

50)Skippy is no longer allowed to roll up to the Budweiser Clydesdales while in his motorized scooter with a stick horse attached (StudMuffin) and challenge them to a race.

51)Skippy must respond to an order given by the King or Queen with "Yes, Your Majesty," not "Ten-Four, Good Buddy!"

52)Skippy is not allowed to eat rocks

53)...hang upside down from anything

54)...break into song when someone speaks the 'word of the day'.

55)...help 'assist' anyone.

56)...free himself from 'jail'.

57)Skippy must be ever mindful of appearances when he wears tights with a shirt that tends to ride up in the front because its the only one that was clean.

58)Skippy is no longer allowed to act like the ambassador from the Ottoman Empire if he purchases a turban, nor to advise the security of his diplomatic immunity

59)I am not allowed to wear my normal kilt gear and then add on fishnet stockings, black gloves and heavy face makeup and tell people I am Frank of Clan McFurter ....You know, from the transylvanian scots.

60)I'm not allowed to wear my satyr outfit, and then ask every scot I see if they're my father, no matter how much my wife enjoys it.

61)I am no longer allowed to sell mundane children to barbarians as food

62)I can't roast children over and open fire

63)Skippy is no longer allowed to hatch elaborate schemes to relieve someone of half of their tail, no matter how much the skank deserved it.

64)Skippy is no longer allowed to kidnap the pirate flag, for they are willing to do *anything* to get it back.

65)is not allowed to form the sovereign nation of Spangland

66)Skippy is NOT allowed to complete the God Save the King cheer as follows; "God Save the King... God Save the Queen.. GOD SAVE THE KING FROM THE QUEEN."

67)I shall not advise the Queen, ion my capacity as diplomat, that unless payment of 5'000 sovereigns is tendered within 3 days, the Norwegian fleet will disrupt trade in the English channel.

68)... is no longer allowed to stand next to inexperienced newbies while playing Musical Men

69)Skippy is no longer allowed to offer his collapsible knee when it is down to Madge Estes, Escarlata and Welsh Wench.

70)Skippy should never, ever give the Queen a very small whip (nipple whip) and then show her how to use it on the King...very bad Skippy!

71)Skippy is no longer allowed to give Baron 'crib notes'.

72)-Even though The Swordsmen sing "Your kind donations will keep us out of your hooooome," Skippy is not allowed to ask them "If I donate, it will keep you out of my home, yes?" And when Skippy gets the affirmative, Skippy may not reply "So, if I -take- your donations, does that mean you will come TO my home?"

73)-Skippy is no longer permitted to run from a crowd of kilted men screaming "The Scots are coming, the Scots are coming! DEAR GOD, HIDE YOUR SHEEP! THE SCOTS ARE COMING!" ...Even if it -does- make the Queen laugh. ESPECIALLY if it makes the Queen laugh so hard she snorts. (This comes from a friend at a different Faire, not myself.)

74)-Skippy is no longer allowed to use her hands to "size up" potential crew members for her make-believe ship...The Nutty Royale.

75)-Skippy is no longer allowed to talk about the Mud Monsters that live in the mud and steal all cheese...especially if this causes a cast member to flail about in the mud frantically, trying to retrieve said cheese.

76)-Skippy is no longer allowed to give candy to the trolls lurking under the bridge.

77)-Skippy is no longer allowed to respond to the question "Does your lady need a rose for those?" with "Do you need a hat for that?"

78)I am no longer allowed to talk about King Richard like he was George Bush in order to drum up support for Prince John.

79)No asking girls in schoolgirl outfits (plaid pleated skirts) what clan they are, it only confuses them.

80)Can no longer ask the beggar if he would knock off the banging of pans if a generous donation was made. Heat, hat, headache, godawful noise do not a happy Skippy make.

81) give the cheap scotch drinking Baron good rum. this decried by the Baroness.... Amazing what 80 proof rum does to a persons 40 proof scotch system.....

82) Walk up to unsuspecting patrons and ask if he can get a picture with them (instead of the other way around).

83)Skippy is no longer allowed to casually drift in with a group of goth kids, grungy pirates, or similar, and start humming, 'I Feel Pretty.'

84)Skippy is not allowed to ask the goth kids "Why so Serious?"

85)Skippy is no longer allowed to scare the "inner city" children and their ghetto ass parents.

86)...is no longer allowed to respond to people with the Ashlee Simpson hoedown.

87)Not allowed to pretend the privie is actually a confessional.

88)Not allowed to exit the privie covered in blue food coloring and exclaim "how refreshing that was"

89)Skippy will not sneak out of the Louisville Swamp behind MNRF and enter the "Secret Garden" dressed as Swamp Thing.

90)He will not steal one of the earth moving machines from the gravel pit next to MNRF and try to park in the handicapped parking section -even if he does have a handicapped parking tag.

91)Will not wear a Tyvek suit labeled "Homeland Security" and chase the "Wacky Chickens" with a garden sprayer full of water and labeled Bird Flu disinfectant.

92)Will not present a egg dyed "robin's egg blue" to the "chicken man" of the Wacky Chickens and accuse his hen of having an affair...

93)Will never again the cover the stage used by the Wacky Chickens with Peeps...

94)Skippy will start wearing condoms...
94.1)Wearing them "as directed" in the instructions that is -as opposed to being used as balloons.

95) Skippy will no longer use camp as a way to lure unsuspecting Rennies to their drunken doom.

~May not dress up like Doctor Who and: (96/97)

96) Stumble out of a port a john and grab passing patrons to tell them that they have to prepare for the coming of the daleks.

97) Hang out in the privies opening various doors going "Is it this one? Damn." repeatedly.

98)Not allowed to join the rear of any procession while singing "OH EE OH, YO OH" even if the rear half of the procession has joined in by the time we all reach the front gate.

99)Nothing I say has been approved by any presidential canidate.
99.1)No, not even the third party ones.

100) I will not end public announcements with "This message brought to you by Elizibeth for Queen, because, let's face it, this is a monarchy, we don't really have a choice."

And the most important thing, skippy is not allowed to do at Ren Faire?

101)Skippy is not allowed to use this list as a checklist of things to try.
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While the list is funny, I'd appreciate an lj-cut.

Thanks Mitch. I'll read it through and add suggestions later.